Tell Me Friend
by Asphodel Brandybuck
Summary: So you thought saruman was merely an evil wizard? guess again, what you don't know about the man in white, is that he is secretly a counselor...giving advice to his fellow characters!
1. Default Chapter

This was a one part fanfic piece which I wrote a long time ago this year. I never wrote the other parts because I didn't have time.might finish it someday.in the distant future.  
  
An old man is sitting in a dark room on a throne. He has a long white beard with one black streak in the middle of it. He is wearing white coloured robes and his wrinkled hands rest on his lap. He is painting his (very) long pointed finger nails a pretty pink colour. "They look gorgeous darling!" he says to himself.  
  
The door suddenly opens and the old man quickly shoves the pink nail varnish inside his robes. A tall man with shoulder length dark hair enters the room. He bows before the Old man saying "Good day Sarry." For indeed this is the old man's name, and in actual fact he is not only an old man as it would appear. He is the wise Saruman (nicknamed Sarry), once a great wizard now become guidance councilor. "Tell me, friend *winks* what can I do for you today?" Says he. "Don't mind if I pop in for a quick chat do you? Got an awful lot on my mind that perhaps I could share with you?" "Any time Aragorn, any time! A problem shared is a problem halved!" (chuckles) "Uh, yes right. Well as destined King of Gondor I have just Ohhh so many responsibilities and being the responsible guy I am I do my best to fulfill my duties." "Oh yes of course, right thing to do" Sarry agrees. "Of course they're not ALL so bad. I do get the enjoyable task of keeping an eye on those little hobbit cuties! Haha they do keep me entertained *winks *" "hmm" "Yes, well I have quite a problem on hand. Four of the wee blighters are setting out on an errand, something about a ring and a bloke named Sauron, and I have been appointed as there "looker -after". I'm meeting them down at the prancing pony in Bree in a week." "And how do you feel about this" Saruman says in a serious tone. "Pardon? What do you mean?" "What feelings have been created in your mind? What thoughts have you encountered? Share with Sarry, he wants to meet your inner sole?" "Are you reading out of a book?" Sarry quickly shoves My First Guide to counseling in a pocket and looks around innocently. "Book? What book! Don't be silly, I would do no such thing!" "No of course not.." "But really Aragorn, what's troubling you? Are you nervous? Do these creatures bite?" "No not as far as I know. Its not them I worry about, its me." "Go ahead." "As you know I'm quite a self conscious fellow. I want to do my best to impress these young hobbits. I want to look like I really know what I'm doing. But I need to promote a new self-image! This elf lover boy thing is just not working!" "Time for a change you think but you're not quite sure of what eh? Don't worry, old Sarry is here to help. Is there anything at all you have in mind?" "Well I was thinking of maybe a wild, rough n' tumble look with a touch of mystery." "Manly stubble and a drawn hood will take care of that." "Yes but do you think its convincing enough?" "Oh yes! The 'ranger' look is tres chic this year!" "Now all I need is a few intelligent sounding lines and I'll be all set to sweep these hobbits off their feet!" "Just add a few fancy words into any old sentence and you'll be sure to stun them." "Thank you Sarry, you've really eased my mind." "No problem at all, that's what I'm here for *cheesy smile *" Saruman chuckles and pats Aragorn on the shoulder. Aragorn nods and leaves the room. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
  
It is a fine fumy morning in the vale of Isenguard as Saruman the wise pulls open the set of doors opening out onto the balcony of Orthanc, letting the smoky air rush through his cancerous lungs. "Ahh the joys of incomplete combustion.mmm carbon monoxide, my old friend." Says he.  
  
Suddenly there is a knock at the chamber and who should walk in but Sarry's favourite right hand man, an orc whom Sarry fondly refers to as "Orcy pet'. "Hello m'dear" Sarry kindly greets the mutated and slightly seedy looking orc standing about a metre away from him on the freshly polished floor. "What's a troubling ye, ma sweet orcy pet?" Sarry adds with a wink. "Well ya see," the orc starts to explain, "the man on the roof..he's ah..well he's started to go un peu um, crazy." "Has he really? Heh well not so suprising, I told him about that weed, dope don't come without risks, eh bro?" "Nah Sarry, it don't.well anyway, he won't stop shrieking. Going on about some fulla. Elf Rond? Something about betrayal, loss.the last straw in their relationship. And now he's taken to talking to imaginary butterflies.chants to them he does.I tell ya, there aint no moths nor butterflies round here...he's crazy man, the madness must stop sarry!" "Aah yes, yes, quite right ye are m'pet.hmm sounds like he's in good need of a bit o' one-on-one chatting, Sarry style."  
  
Eight hours later, Sarry finally climbs the five thousandth step, the last in the ridiculously long stair case (where's an elevator when you need it eh?) leading up to the roof of the tower of Orthanc. Panting, Sarry spots the man, who in fact happens to be Gandalf the Grey, attempting to throw himself, in an act of suicide, over the edge of the roof. Dear god! Thinks Sarry, I didn't climb all this way just to see a senile old fool chuck himself all the bloody way down to the point I've just come from! "Don't do it!" He yells in a commanding voice! "There's still hope left in your seemingly hopeless life! Let Sarry heal the pain in your deeply wounded soul!" "Don't come near me! I'll jump! I will!" Gandalf shrieks back in an alarmingly feministic voice. "You won't, I know you won't..Gandz." Sarry beckoning to him with a crooked finger, softly calling "Come! Come! To a life of happiness I will take you!" Gandalf slowly turns his head to look at Sarry, staring into those beautiful deep brow eyes, rather reminding him of firewood, and draws back one step at a time, into the safety of the middle of the rooftop. "I would have jumped" He said sulkingly, still sounding disturbingly like a woman, "but your hazel eyes made me think of wood, which in turn reminded me.of...of.." Gandalf trailed off, and Sarry advanced, resting one wrinkled hand on the frightened wizards shoulder, "Go on, tell Sarry." He reassured Gandalf. "It reminded me of the hobbits.." Gandalf let out and immediately commenced sobbing, small tears trickling down his weather beaten face.  
  
Cup of tea in hand, now wearing a gray, fluffy dressing gown Sarry had given him to wear, Gandalf confessed, "They're my reason for living sarry! I don't know what I'd do without my hobbities.they light my world." "Yes well we all have our simple pleasures my dear friend, but at some point in our lives, we need to make sacrifices, give up the things we like." Answered sarry, nodding with a grim smile on his face, looking just like the picture in his "Councilling: how to" guide had told him one should look after giving gloomy news to a patient. "You must accept," he continued, "that the world is changing, I amar prestar whats-it-called, blah blah blah, you can feel it everywhere et cetera et cetera.. Now is the time to move on, forget the past, make a new start, break away from the exes, Elrond, Bilbo and the rest.Orcs are good too y'know! Trust me!" He winked. "Hmmm..a little too iron clad for me." Gandalf reflected. "Well, whatever you're into. Its really amazing what science can produce though, this genetic engineering, a fella can make whatever kind of creature he fancies, if he knows how to do it. You just have to ask m'hearty and Sarry'll whip it up for you in a jiffy. " "I'll think about it, and let you know." Gandalf replied to this generous yet somewhat disquieting offer.  
  
And so ended the discussion, Sarry sending the now spiritually cleansed Gandalf back up the tower ('would let him stay but got to keep up the tough, no shall let no prisoner free, rep.'). Nevertheless, Sarry the councilor was pleased with his work. He had once again helped a deranged and troubled member of middle earth sort out their twisted issues lying deep within them. 


End file.
